Dear Waiting Wife,
Have you ever felt like everyone’s eyes are on you, anticipating when you will make the announcement? Have you waited month after month, hoping you won’t need to open a new pack of sanitary napkins, yet the sight of blood tells you otherwise? Let me tell you, there were months I did not buy any, by faith!
Have people around you asked questions like “Wala pa ba?” (“Is there no [baby] yet?”), “Anong hinihintay niyo?” (“What are you waiting for?”), or “Kailan niyo balak?” (“When do you plan [to get pregnant]?”). Or maybe some have told you, “Ang hirap mo namang buntisin!” (“You’re so hard to impregnate!”) or even mindlessly commented, “Kung ako kinasal, buntis ako agad.” (“If I get married myself, I would be pregnant right away.”)
As if it’s our choice not to get pregnant!
I’m tired of people telling me that I am having difficulty to conceive because I am underweight. Many times, they say this as if it’s a crime to be underweight, or as if I chose to be so.
A handful would even inquire indiscreetly, “Sino bang may problema, ikaw o asawa mo?” (“Who has a problem, you or your husband?”) Maybe others would utter words of comfort, saying “Si [insert name here] nga, seven years naghintay. Darating din yan.” (“[Insert name] waited for seven years. It will come.”)
One thing I can say is that no one can fully understand how it is to desire to have a child, yet not have one yet. I have been married for more than a year, and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a number of months. My visit to the OB was something to be thankful for; she affirmed us that it was nothing to be alarmed about. In fact, she encouraged me to just eat healthy and continue taking vitamins.
Hopes are always high, and we are always positive, until the sight of blood comes in that dreaded day of the month. There were months when we would say, “Okay, next month again.“ Then there were months when we would cry and ask the Lord why. Every month is a cycle of being hopeful then getting disappointed, sometimes frustrated, or at times, devastated.
When you are trying to conceive, you suddenly have friends and acquaintances (and practically everyone you know) who get pregnant all at the same time. You get invited to children’s parties left and right, as though fate plays a cruel game on you. If I will be honest about how I feel, it is a struggle to be genuinely happy for others when they have the thing you have been praying for. But praise God, because everytime I am about to be consumed by envy, the Holy Spirit rebukes me firmly but lovingly. After all, there is no deadline to getting pregnant. There is no competition as to who gets pregnant faster, too!
I have also gone to a point when I told God, albeit reluctantly and rebelliously, “Lord, okay, I find my satisfaction and contentment in You, because, frankly, it seems like You don’t want to bless us with a child.” But as soon as I said this, the Lord immediately rebuked me and reminded me to put my trust and hope in Him.
Two days ago, as the whole world celebrated Mother’s Day, I thought I would be down and depressed. But thank God, I wasn’t. Moreover, I praise God for two people who went out of their way to say a very special prayer for me. One of them went through several years of waiting before having her first baby. The other one is blessed with many children she mothers in her church and school. I admire them both for their faith in the Lord, and their faithfulness in serving Him no matter what the situation they are in.
There are days when I am okay, just trusting in His perfect time and will. There are also days when I cry out to Him and plead with Him, hoping He would grant our desire sooner and not later. I know a few months of waiting is nothing compared to those who have been waiting for years. Yet the pain and struggle is the same.
It’s not easy, but God’s grace is sufficient. God knows we are weak, but His strength will see us through. One day, we will look back and thank Him for carrying us through.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, whether you are a mother to a biological or spiritual child, or a mother who mentors someone in your sphere of influence.
In the same boat with you,
The Hopeful Wife
“Dear Waiting Wife” first appeared in the writer’s blogsite, whenateacherwrites.wordpress.com
Jennifer Ang Sun has worked with the youth in St. Stephen’s Parish for almost two decades. After getting married, she moved to Jubilee Evangelical Church, the church where her husband serves, and volunteered to be among the editorial staff of Voice of Jubilee, the church’s official newsletter. She wants to inspire hope and encouragement to children by being their teacher, to the youth and adults through her blog, whenateacherwrites.wordpress.com, and dreams of becoming an author someday.